I tried killing someone the other day...

An entry a year later. Happy 2011.
Taken from www.gurodate.com


We'd been drinking. Typically, I can take a lot of alcohol, and I'd thought all night me and Kyle were going at the same pace...I'm usually the one twisted out of my mind; but for some reason, tonight was different.
I don't know when it'd happen exactly, I just knew my mind had suddenly woke up and I knew what I was doing - that's what it felt like at least.
At this point we're tired, man had shuffled off into another room, and I happened to be in the hallway just as I heard the door opening.
Oh, right. I live with my mother.
I wasn't worried at all though, even though I should've been shitfaced right then and there, I somehow sobered up and knew I could talk to her smoothly. Old enough to drink but not old enough to get my own place, I'd have to play nice in front of her.
Imagine me, ready for it.
Standing straight, fixing up my hair, not teetering or slurring when I speak, ready to say "Oh, hey, Mom. What's up?" Like any other day.
But when she did finally open the door, there wasn't time for that. As soon as she saw me, she screamed - yelled, face going from shock to anger, to concern. "What happened?!" She had said.
I was confused. Did I put my clothes on inside out? Did I spill liquor all over my shirt? What was the problem? I was sure I didn't look drunk at all. Except for being dumbfounded, which I was.
"...What...Happened? What are you talking about? What's up?"
"Your Face! What happened?! Where's Kyle?!" She said.
My face? Why was it I didn't remember? I had to move away and slide into the bathroom.
I was standing there in the dark expecting nothing until I flipped the switch and the lights revealed it all.
Shock and fear. The same as my mother.
But there was then a different expression, one that she didn't show upon seeing my face.
How would I describe it?
Awe. Fascination.
Unless I was in a mood, I never found myself particularly beautiful or ugly to stare at myself in the mirror too long. Never cared enough how I looked, not in years. But at this moment I nearly felt myself press my face up onto the mirror as if I were a kid looking in a tank at the zoo for the first time.
So that's where that smell was coming from. The smell of blood. How did I not notice before? Red and distinctive, all over my face.
I'd been staring so long, until I noticed it was all over my shirt, too.
Shit.
Yeah I'd been drinking, but I wasn't drunk. Suddenly all the memories flushed back. I know i'd been awake, but seeing myself now was like snapping my head back into reality. And just as it was all coming back to me, so was the mess.
Maybe I had thought I was dreaming, and it felt like I was, but I let my eyes travel away from my own intriguing reflection to look at the floor. Splatter. Red splatter, all over the toilet, all over the floor tiles. I heard my mom walking, two seconds had passed since she came home and there was no time.
I reached under the sink and grabbed the sponge. The blood was fresh, so it cleaned easy. It didn't take me long at all, I just didn't want to have to explain. And when the bathroom was sparkly white again, I ran back out into the hallway to get the blood that trailed along the walls, too. I'd remember that. I'd chase the path all the way to my room. I looked up for a second. Oh there Kyle was. He was passed out in the farthest corner of the room on the other side of my bed. I wonder if he remembered everything that I just did. "Kyle?" I called out, knowing he'd answer back. He wasn't dead -- I knew that. I knew it because I had just been obsessing about making him that way.
A confused groan was enough of a response, but as I'd just got the last of the evidence my mother finally had made her way over and approached me. "What the hell happened? Did he beat you again?"
I shook my head. He hadn't touched me - not this time. I almost smiled, but I had to act casual -- with all the excitement, looking back, I should of thought of a better excuse. "No, I fell."
She asks me again.
"...I fell."
and she'd ask me ten minutes later too, testing me, to see if I was intoxicated still. "No, I fell. I had like one beer, but Kyle - he's had a bit much. He's laying down."

Seems like she couldn't get anything else out of me. I wasn't going to slip up. Even though I wanted to shout out my joy at the top of my lungs, I had to stick with 'falling'. How lame -- I should of thought of something better, for sure.
At least she's gone now.
I return to my room, take a glance at the other various objects laying around from tonight's event. Where was the wooden paddle? Right, I stuck it next to the toilet. I'll get it in a second. For now, I'm too curious.
I move over to Kyle's exhausted form laying on the floor in the corner.
I bend down and I pet his head, to comfort. To pretend it was all just drunken madness. "You okay? Do you remember anything?"
"No...What happened."
Finally I can say it aloud - I hold back from smiling. "I tried to kill you."
He laughs. "What?", he says.
"You don't remember?" And then I proceed to tell him what happened, the safe version - the one he wouldn't get offended by.
---
Drunken madness. Kyle's whining about something, and I try to remain lighthearted, but I feel the anger growing inside of me.
"You're complaining? You want to die? I could kill you."
He's crying, sobbing, being drunk and looking like an idiot, babbling about how he doesn't want to live anymore.
Maybe its because I'm feeling tipsy, but listening to him, rather than feeling concerned, I begin to feel excited. He sounds like a lost child. I feel like I can help him. Save him.
"No really, I can do it."
He's laughing now, hysterical, really.
I'm not sure he heard me, so I move over to him and I punch him in the face.
He looks confused, but he's still laughing anyway. The alcohol must have him nice and sedated for me. The anger from the night he beat me returns, except this time, I'm not the one who's looking up. I'm looking down, and since he didn't stop me, I hit him again, harder this time. I laugh out loud.
Kyle stops laughing this time around.
"No, it's okay. Listen, I'll probably kill myself afterward anyway..." I'm lying, but I say it with such truth. I really have no intention on killing myself, but for now; I'd say anything to get what I want out of him. I need him to feel safe. "It's all right...We'll do it together."
When I hit him this time, he falls off of the bed and tries to move away from me, but I won't let him get away. I go after him and hit him as hard as I can, as much as I can. He struggles, he seems confused and drunk yet I slowly feel all the influence of alcohol fading away. I feel alert.
"You said you wanted to die, right?" I really believed him. And I really believe I'm the one who can help him. I exit the room to grab that wooden paddle I have in the basement. I've known its there all this time but never thought to grab it. Never needed to. Not this time - this time, it'd be perfect.
When I return, Kyle glances up at me but I don't say anything. I just slam that hunk of wood right into his face. I'm laughing as I beat him with it, and I feel like I'm having a lot of fun. I think the laughing makes him think its all a big joke, but I suppose the pain is beginning to make him feel like he needs to get away from me. "Why are you running? It's okay. I'll help you."
I really don't care what he thinks I'm doing anymore. I know it's because I'm drunk I can act so openly, but I know it's not because I'm drunk that I'm deciding to do these things.
The beatings are a lot of fun, but it's not efficient. He's still alive, albeit he seems tired and worn out. Good. I like this. I don't know if it's because he's hurting so bad or because he's drunk, but at least he's more placid. He won't be able to run now.
I grab the thick scarf from my door and I fix it into a slipknot. A fancy, pretty noose. I admire it only for seconds before slinging it around his neck. I get behind him, rest his head on my lap so I can watch everything from above -- and I pull.
He still doesn't seem to realize what's going on for awhile, and his face turns purple as he looks up at me with shot eyes, glistening and trying to endure. Trying to accept death. I admire him for that, I could even say I loved him for trying. Then the real part of him, the part I hardly like at all, jerks his entire body to life and he tries to grip at the hold around his neck, choking, gagging. I'm not sure what he's saying, but I think he's telling me he's changed his mind.
All the fun could have left right then and there - I felt the color drain from my face. He -can't- change his mind. Not when he's got me all hot and bothered. Everything was getting good. I try to reason with him. "What? No. You said you wanted to die. You said you can't take it anymore, that you're going to die anyway right -- Stop thrashing so much! Just a little bit farther..."
But he doesn't stop thrashing, so I stand up and hold the end of the noose with one hand. I grab the wood and try and hit him unconscious so he stops ruining all the fun. I never thought, only dreamed I could be in this situation. It's actually become a reality. No plans, no preparation. Just pure chaos embodied in this moment, setting everything off balance. Tonight was going to be fun, drinks and what not, right? Yeah. But I never thought it could come to this. And I loved it. I wasn't thinking about consequences. I just had my mind set on one thing, one mission, and I wasn't going to stop until it was complete.
He's really choking now, really shaking, and he's yelling and gurgling at me incoherently. I can't stand it - it's messing up my vision. I don't know how it was supposed to be, but he was ruining it.
I release him. This won't do at all.
I walk over to the kitchen and go through the drawers. Somehow, all the knives are gone. Except one, the perfect one. This was it, I knew it as I held it in my hand. I liked holding it. As I was walking back to my room I see Kyle has managed to escape to the bathroom. I hear him throwing up bile, maybe liquor, but definitely blood. Oddly enough, I didn't notice he was bleeding - I wouldn't notice until later when my mother comes home. I don't care right now. When he's done, I'm going to approach him and show him the answer to all our problems.
--- something I don't remember ---
He's kicking his legs again. I've got the noose around him because he managed to change his mind and tell me he wants to die again, but not by knife. He'd prefer the strangling. Yet now here we are again, and he won't cooperate. It pisses me off he won't comply. If it'd been any other time, any other way, I probably wouldn't care. But not this night, this night I needed him to know what I was doing to him. I needed him to understand that I was in control of his life. But the idiot won't stop struggling. I'm pissed off and dragging him along the floor into the hallway to get him back into my room. I don't notice then that his bloodied face and hands running along the walls will cause a mess for me to clean up later, but I will soon.
I'm really fed up with him.
---- something I don't remember ---
I'm standing over the sink with the knife. I told him I'd kill myself, but he won't believe me. That's okay. I can probably make wisely placed incisions just to scare him. Then maybe he'll believe that he won't die alone. I cut my wrist a few times. The knife is really dull, it's thick, it hurts, but I don't care.
I really hate when people say things they don't actually mean. My little trick has the opposite effect and Kyle suddenly wants to stop me all together. I'm thinking to myself, I'm not going to kill myself you idiot -- you're just so scared. I was trying to show you. But he wrestles the knife out of grasp. My blood dirties his face. I don't even notice, I only did it to entrap him. It didn't work...damn it all. I feel too sober, too. I felt so high just a second ago, everything was going according to plan...
--- something I don't remember ---

Things have calmed down now. I beat him more and now he lays still. Perfect. I'm feeling tired too, and I'm feeling sober. Yet I'm high on something else. My better judgment is making me hesitate, when I was so sure before...
There is only the sound of crying and heavy panting. We may both be exhausted, but I'm still determined...I still have to make it happen. I grab the pillow nearby and slide over to Kyle, to comfort him. I am comforting him, this is what I lie about when I shove the pillow gently, hovering over his face. He trusts me.
That's what I was waiting for.
I slam the pillow down over his face to smother him with aggression and vigor. My energy returns to me.
I think briefly back long ago when I tried to smother Michael. Don't know why I even did that back then. But since then, I'd never tried anything like this.
Tonight was way better than that little blip in my history. Tonight would be memorable, I'm sure of it.
He tries to struggle again, but he's weaker now and can hardly move. He's probably telling me he's changed his mind again, but the great thing about this time is that, I can't hear him. I shove harder. I look at the wriggling form beneath the pillow and imagine a transformation - a transformation of which, when I remove the pillow; will be complete. Still. Peaceful. Dead.
I shove harder and harder to help him accept it, knowing he feels alone and I comfort him, calling to him lovingly to trust me on this one. Just this once. This was all it would take.
I hear the door opening and the dogs running.
Oh, right. My mother has returned from work...I have to look presentable, and I move quickly to greet her at the doorway.

Linking

Gonna update tonight, promise, I just wanted to say I added this to my links :)
Deaths Magazine - IT's an awesome site so please check it out!
He's a cool guy, and I'll be working on a drawing for him soon.
ALSO! I got two commissions, yay!

Also linking GOREGASM
an old forum I used to browse at, it's great for lurking in the night. This is the old, original site.

I have also started following the blog, CultDB - which is great for those b movies.

MOUSE IS FAIL.

SO I tried a drawing with just ink, and then took a marker for the blood....
it's sloppy and there are things I wanted to change about it -
which normally I would if I could use a tablet pen T_T.
Then I tried to fix it up and color it in with a mouse -
a ROLLER BALL mouse or whatever, totally difficult and I'm still not at all
pleased with the results.
Oh tablet pen! Come to me please! So I can really fuck up these dumb bitches :(
Original Scan, Large Size found HERE.

COLOR (Mouse ATTEMPT) and Large Size found HERE.

Yeah, I tried to change the mouth - the mouth and hair are

what I would've changed the most if I had a pen, but it was hard trying

with the mouse so I'm still not satisfied at all with face or hair.

PISSED OFF SKETCH TEST SCANNER.

Stupid fuckin' friends are fuckin' stupid.
Angry and annoyed made me sketch some stuff, I was practicing "expressions" (of pain,etc)...
if you want to know why I was pissed, short description underneath at Read More - it's really stupid really.
BIGGER/BIG ASS VERSION OF PICTURE HERE.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Strangely enough I don't think I'm dressing up or getting drunk today - it's my friend's birthday, I'm going to celebrate with her :)
So I'll pretty much be on my best behavior - this girl doesn't know a fraction of my ..."hobbies".
So today will be going out in public and behaving, which isn't bad a lot of the times, it's nice to do that and feel a little more normal.
So I had to do something here for Halloween!
This guy got my interest (humor!)

 "Halloween is a sinister day with occultist roots. As we move along in the last days an increasing number of people are realizing that Halloween is a pagan worship day. It is day that honors false gods, demons and Satan. I have no desire to enter into the worship of false gods nor honor the devil. I hope after considering this study you will agree and decide NOT TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN. Put Ephesians 5:11 into practice, "...have NO fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove (expose) them."

And then he continues on to say,

• HALLOWEEN ALTERNATIVES

"I have come to believe that Christ is not honored by celebrating Halloween. I have shared my conviction with my family. As a result, we have replaced the celebration of Halloween with something completely unassociated to it. We make it a family night and do something special together. You can see that I do believe in the PRINCIPLE OF REPLACEMENT. I believe that Romans 12:21 teaches it. "Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

Certainly remove the bad. Explain to your children why you are not celebrating Halloween any more. BUT then replace it with something that will glorify God (I Corinthians 10:31). Be creative. Make what you do more fun, yet honor Christ. Have a harvest party where you focus on Christ the creator and his provisions for you. Have a Christian video party. Have a glory gathering where Christian songs are sung and the word is preached. Get a group together and go from door to door (not dressed up) and pass out Gospel tracts then meet for a time of fellowship afterward."

            -- Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D.

 Okay, I understand he's a pastor and has a Ph.D and what not and he seems pretty excited and all, it may be true that myself am not a religious person but I couldn't imagine explaining to my children --

Yes, every other child in the neighborhood gets to run around in a costume - a special one they wear only once a year - get tons of free candy - but yeah, tonight we're going to HAVE A CHRISTIAN VIDEO PARTY and instead GO DOOR TO DOOR PASSING OUT GOSPEL TRACTS ( and when they offer us candy, don't take it!) 

Oh boy, would that well over with the children.

I mean, I respect all forms of religion and people who follow it, believe what you wish, but no matter what origins of Halloween have been derived from occult and paganism or whatever devilspeak have you, these days it's become nothing of a childish holiday - for fun, just how Christmas went from the Birth of Christ to Macy's sales and superficial gift trading. 

AND YES - He makes a point in his article, people get hurt on Halloween. (So be careful tonight guys!), But that makes it no different from how people get hurt every other day. I really wouldn't go as far as to say people are widely encouraged and prone to violence just because of Halloween.

Halloween is meant to be scary and what not, but it's always advertised to be FUN above all and I really think such acts of violence of deeper origins - media, people, whatever -- Halloween is...

I mean I know it's stupid but I don't remember once in my childhood saying "Trick or Treat" where I didn't always get treat. (The Pastor talks about how Trick or Treat originates from how people used to dress up in animals skins to fool demons - if that didn't suffice, they would leave them a "treat' (of food or something) to please them. If that didn't work, they'd "trick" you by casting an evil spell on you and your home.)

But yeah, that's my ranting a little - if you want to read more about the Pastor's thoughts on how evil Halloween is, you can read it here: The Dark Side of Halloween - Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D 

Btw - he also thinks:

• Other things that lure children into the occult --

1. Black & heavy metal music

2. Fantasy Role playing games

3. Slasher/horror movies & sadistic pornography

4. Reading occult & satanic literature

AHAHAHAHA :( I love all those things, fuck yeah World of Warcraft! LOL 

And now: People getting hurt on Halloween...

Sloppy? + INTERVIEW 001

I've been so lazy with this!
I don't mean blogging - It's been like over a week for you guys but actually I've been writing in my notebook everyday!
I'm really annoyed because it seems Blogger doesn't have a "cut" feature, where I can type some stuff here, and then post a link to expand to the rest of the content - I have a few content in one post so I'd like to be able to make a few of those for you!
But I can't, I think the best you'll get it just one cut at the bottom of the page T_T
I just find making too long of posts will discourage you guys from reading!
So this first content will be finally ~ yay, a first interview!
Now, you should be able to tell I am familiar with this person but they aren't someone I see or talk to in my daily life, so don't get nosy!
I told them that this would be anonymous and I wouldn't be biased or anything with the knowledge I have for him,
and by gods did he listen - because I learned stuff about him I didn't know about!
He was kind enough to be honest during the interview and I'm very excited about it,
but this is only part one - so here it is:

Quick Update (again!)

I promise to start with a proper post tomorrow!
Anyways, images wasn't working before - but I got them up, sorry they're from a cell, so added drawings to previous post...
and bad news:
can't find my tablet pen (again! I don't get how it's gone, I haven't TOUCHED IT since my computer broke!)
good news:
Got a scanner! So now I can scan paper drawings!
not so good:
Need to buy usb cable for printer soon :<
Look forward to tomorrow!
P.S:
For those of you who weren't prepared for my doodles - well, I tried to say I was fucked up, but now you know (not even the half of it haha...)